My entire life like most little girls I have always wanted to be a mommy. I never imagined I would be a mom of 2 precious children I never got to hold, cuddle, kiss or even have to discipline.
After my first marriage ended I was still hopeful I would remarry and have children. No I would not be the young mom I thought I would be but I never dreamed I would not be a mom someday.
Then it happened. Ron and I had been married over 2 years and I was finally pregnant. If you have struggled with infertility you know what the monthly rollercoaster ride is like. I didn’t even bother to take a test until I as a few weeks late. We were so excited! I was so sick.
It was an answered to many hours of prayers for sure.
Then it happened. Just the Friday before our fist doctor’s appointment, I started spotting. It wasn’t much so I was totally unprepared for the news that Monday.
As the nurse did the ultrasound she told us there were twins. But the look on her face was not one of joy, rather concern. Our first baby, Isaac, looked to have stop developing at a little less than 8 weeks. The second baby, Lillian, was much bigger, at least 10 weeks old but there was no movement. The doctor came in to confirm neither of them had made it.
I was in shock. My heart was shattered! How could this be happening? They were the answer to my prayers!
After losing the twins life went on and I did my best to trust God in this and wait for my chance to be a mom. The longer time went by and we still were not pregnant the more my heart crumbled. I had been through tough stuff before and always found God Good but this time I struggled.
How could God give me two babies and never let me hold them, play with them, or even celebrate their life? It felt cruel not good! I really struggled getting past it.
Thankfully I had a good friend who lead me to the lap of God and encouraged me to ask Him to understand. Our father always wants to talk to us and bring healing, we often just don’t know how to ask for it.
That day my Lord helped me to see His eternal perspective. He had answered my prayer. I am a mom. In my mind’s eye and in my heart He showed me my two beautiful children. They were on his lap laughing and happy. He reminded me that just because they did not grow up here on earth did not mean they didn’t exist; they just went on ahead.
They are waiting for me in heaven and we will spend eternity together.
That day I started to call them by name, Isaac & Lillian and I embraced motherhood. Mother’s Day has always been a difficult holiday for me. Between losing my mom to an Alzheimer’s diagnosis at 16 and the struggle of infertility and now miscarriage I would rather just sleep all day to be honest.
But now I have the vision of my mom, Isaac and Lillian all together in Heaven with my Lord and I praise my Great God for answered prayer.
Of course I would rather have had them live here with me first but I know that God is faithful, loving and good and I trust that eternity will be long enough!
Is there something that you have experienced that doesn’t make sense or goes against the character of God? Go to Him. Ask to understand, He will give you clarity around the situation if you ask with an open heart. People often stay stuck in the whys of hurts when clarity can help you move forward. Clarity gives us hope.
Being able to ask God what I needed to heal gave me clarity and brought healing I wasn’t even sure was possible.
When has God met you in a place that helped you find clarity?
As a freshman in high school one of the things I looked forward to most was playing volleyball. I had watched my sister play in Jr. High and fell in love with the game. I played basketball and softball and loved sports but playing at the high school level was a whole different ballgame.
Volleyball is a fall sport where I grew up so that means before school started for 2 weeks we had practice twice a day, two and a half hours each time. I loved morning practices, we actually got to touch the volleyball, we learned basics, we drilled skills, plays and learned to play as a team.
The second two and a half hours of the day was in the heat of the afternoon and it was nothing but conditioning. We didn’t see a ball the entire afternoon. We ran stairs, we did sit ups and push-ups, we jumped rope and we even did Jane Fonda’s workout. The true torture was the sprints!
Coach Schuler became one of the people whose influence significantly impacted my life. She was the person in charge of our afternoon conditioning. She knew how to push and motivate me beyond anything I could imagine I was capable of.
She ran us so hard there were people that were throwing up. Even that was not a reason to quit, they had to be back to the line by the next set of sprints ready to start or we all had to run more. She timed us every day and challenged us to run faster than we did the day before.
There were many times that I thought there is no way I can keep going. Coach would say hit the line, ready set go and I would do it.
By spending time under Schuler, I learned that I really didn’t know the limits of my physical body. She knew I could do more than I ever dreamed I could.
Learning to understand that I am capable of so much more than I think I am has made a big impact in my life!
I didn’t think I could handle the heartache of having my mom diagnosed with terminal illness(Alzheimer’s Disease) when I was 16. I didn’t think I could handle my marriage coming to an end. I often think I can’t handle watching my dad struggling with Alzheimer’s today.
But I have found that God knows what I can handle even when I think I can’t!
Trusting Schuler to push me physically beyond what my brain thought I could do helped to build a foundation of understanding that I do not know my limits. Not to mention I can trust God to push me beyond where I think I can go. Because He knows me even more than Coach did. He created me.
When I am trusting Him I know I can do all things! I trust Him and I praise Him, even in the middle of times where I don’t think there’s any way I can do what he’s asking me to do.
Have you experienced a time where you were able to do more than you ever thought you could? How has that helped to grow your Faith in the Lord?