My entire life like most little girls I have always wanted to be a mommy. I never imagined I would be a mom of 2 precious children I never got to hold, cuddle, kiss or even have to discipline.
After my first marriage ended I was still hopeful I would remarry and have children. No I would not be the young mom I thought I would be but I never dreamed I would not be a mom someday.
Then it happened. Ron and I had been married over 2 years and I was finally pregnant. If you have struggled with infertility you know what the monthly rollercoaster ride is like. I didn’t even bother to take a test until I as a few weeks late. We were so excited! I was so sick.
It was an answered to many hours of prayers for sure.
Then it happened. Just the Friday before our fist doctor’s appointment, I started spotting. It wasn’t much so I was totally unprepared for the news that Monday.
As the nurse did the ultrasound she told us there were twins. But the look on her face was not one of joy, rather concern. Our first baby, Isaac, looked to have stop developing at a little less than 8 weeks. The second baby, Lillian, was much bigger, at least 10 weeks old but there was no movement. The doctor came in to confirm neither of them had made it.
I was in shock. My heart was shattered! How could this be happening? They were the answer to my prayers!
After losing the twins life went on and I did my best to trust God in this and wait for my chance to be a mom. The longer time went by and we still were not pregnant the more my heart crumbled. I had been through tough stuff before and always found God Good but this time I struggled.
How could God give me two babies and never let me hold them, play with them, or even celebrate their life? It felt cruel not good! I really struggled getting past it.
Thankfully I had a good friend who lead me to the lap of God and encouraged me to ask Him to understand. Our father always wants to talk to us and bring healing, we often just don’t know how to ask for it.
That day my Lord helped me to see His eternal perspective. He had answered my prayer. I am a mom. In my mind’s eye and in my heart He showed me my two beautiful children. They were on his lap laughing and happy. He reminded me that just because they did not grow up here on earth did not mean they didn’t exist; they just went on ahead.
They are waiting for me in heaven and we will spend eternity together.
That day I started to call them by name, Isaac & Lillian and I embraced motherhood. Mother’s Day has always been a difficult holiday for me. Between losing my mom to an Alzheimer’s diagnosis at 16 and the struggle of infertility and now miscarriage I would rather just sleep all day to be honest.
But now I have the vision of my mom, Isaac and Lillian all together in Heaven with my Lord and I praise my Great God for answered prayer.
Of course I would rather have had them live here with me first but I know that God is faithful, loving and good and I trust that eternity will be long enough!
Is there something that you have experienced that doesn’t make sense or goes against the character of God? Go to Him. Ask to understand, He will give you clarity around the situation if you ask with an open heart. People often stay stuck in the whys of hurts when clarity can help you move forward. Clarity gives us hope.
Being able to ask God what I needed to heal gave me clarity and brought healing I wasn’t even sure was possible.
When has God met you in a place that helped you find clarity?
This is the end; things haven’t been good for a while but it didn’t mean that I was expecting that phone call. A phone call from my husband’s girlfriend? Who sees that coming? I sure didn’t.
He had cheated before and I knew things hadn’t been good but I never dreamed he would cheat again. The Lord and I had been talking a lot about my marriage and I knew a big change was coming. I just didn’t know that this was it.
Me divorced; of all the people you know I would not be the one you expect to be divorced. I was deeply saddened but I knew now, this is the path I was to go down.
But how do I live like this? How do I hold my head high and tell people I’m divorced? Divorce is for people who gave up on there a marriage, not me. I fought, I fought for almost 10 years to make this marriage work. I forgave the first affair. How was I supposed to live divorced?
It felt like such a failure.
As time went on and I moved into a new phase of life it was difficult, it was embarrassing. But I knew I had been released from my covenant of marriage. I just didn’t know how to communicate that to others. I knew how judgmental I had been regarding divorce, I just hated for people to look at me like that.
Then I met Alice.
Alice attended the church that I was attending. We met in small group setting where she shared her testimony. I will never forget what a blessing it was to meet Alice. She was a few years older than me and she was happily married to her second husband.
Alice was an amazing, godly woman who had a testimony and ministry in our church. She loved people and she loved her husband. Because she was willing to share her story of divorce and remarriage I found hope. Hope that I would have a ministry again too.
I also had hope that there might be a happily ever after marriage in my life someday.
Today when people meet my husband and I they never guess that we’ve only been married for 6 short years. We fit together like a hand and glove or salt and pepper. We love each other dearly and you are able to be committed and live what a godly marriage looks.
Marriage today is easy, unlike in my first marriage that was always very difficult. Sometimes it is hard to say I’m thankful that the Lord took me through that, but I know that I am the person I am today because of that journey.
I cherish my husband now. I honor and respect him. I’m so thankful to have an opportunity to have a marriage like I do today.
I hope and pray that as I share my story through this blog that I will be an encouragement to you. That you will know that no matter how hard life seems, no matter how unfair things are and no matter what happens to you …even when you think it’s something that could never happen to you. You can move past it, you can, there’s hope!
Our God is sovereign, he loves us more than you know and his plans are perfect! Trust Him and walk close beside Him through this time to the life you didn’t know could exist.
If you are still searching for hope and a relationship with the Lord who loves you more than you know please reach out to me. I would love to talk with you about Him.
Life was full of changes.
I had the green light to move forward in life as a single lady. Letting go of my ten year marriage was difficult but I knew that the Lord had released me from that covenant. I will write about that another time.
Love it but I want a life.
Now how was I going to get out of the job which I loved but was tired of having no life because of. I had spent 18 months living in hotels working in 9 different Sylvan Learning Centers. I was ready for a life again. Where would that life be? As I prayed and searched the Lord for answers all I knew was that big change was coming.
I know it is time to move on but where, how?
After months of praying and even sending my resume to a ministry organization in another state, I still did not know what was going to happen; I just knew my life was not going to look anything like it did now after this transition. Then the decision was made to close a Sylvan Learning Center in a small town in Kansas, 4 hours from home, which I had been helping run.
I knew the decision made logical sense but my heart was broke for those families.
Nudges from the Spirit
Then the first nudge happened. The director of that location which was moving out of the country said to me, you should buy this center. I laughed and went on with preparing the location to close.
A week or so later my dad and I were visiting about how I felt about the center closing. He said, “Do you know how much it would cost because I would love to buy it for you, you would do a great job of running it yourself?” I laughed him off.
Less than a week later my direct supervisor asked me if I had ever thought of owning my own Sylvan Center. I told her no not really. She said I needed to pray about it because she really thought that the center we were closing would be a perfect start for me.
Like Peter hearing the cock crow I realized I had heard that same message 3 times…… could it be the Lord trying to get my attention in the middle of my frantic prayers for direction?
Hello Rayna, are you listening for my voice?
After spending some time in prayer I began to think that it was. I went back to my dad and asked him if he was serious. He was. Less than 3 months later we were partners and owners of a Sylvan Learning Center…
We packed up all my belongings, moved me into a duplex in a small town where I only knew the 15 employees in my new business. As my dad drove away I thought, OK Lord what have you gotten me into this time.
He whispered to my heart….welcome to your promised land.
I had wondered so long waiting to see if my marriage would be saved and if the life I had dreamed of with my ex-husband would become what I knew it could be.
When I was released and told I could move on. The new business, in the new town, with just my Lord, I knew it was a land of milk and honey….. a land of provision I never even knew to dream of.
Life is hard in many ways but the Lord is always there. Take Heart, He is always walking along side of you, willing to restore what the locus has eaten.
“Then I will make up to you for the years That the swarming locust has eaten, The creeping locust, the stripping locust and the gnawing locust, My great army which I sent among you. “You will have plenty to eat and be satisfied And praise the name of the LORD your God, Who has dealt wondrously with you; Then My people will never be put to shame. “
Divorce, this can’t be your will?
I married while still in college and sadly enough my husband struggled with a sexual addiction and just did not find the desire to be healed and live a life of committed marriage. So the marriage ended after 10 years and multiple affairs.
The end would bring a new beginning right? I did not want to be single now what?
I had not dated much before meeting my ex-husband and here I was in my early 30’s and having to start all over again. After praying and praying and even trying to bargain some I still had not met a guy. Not a single date.
I want to have someone to share life with, Lord, Please!
I kept feeling the Lord telling me I needed to get outside my comfort zone and put myself out there. So I joined a dating service.
12 first dates and then there was Ron
Each month the dating service would call me with a new name and a little information about a person. We usually talked on the phone and then would meet for dinner. I talked with 14 guys went out one time with 12 of them and I was feeling frustrated and discouraged.
The Lord and I had many conversations about this process.
I knew I was doing my part but I was still alone. Then I was matched with Ron.
Ron, the farmer
Our first date was amazing. We hit it off so well we stayed up all night talking in the parking lot of the restaurant. By the end of the date I concluded I am really interested in getting to know this man better.
But we have 3 major challenges: he is Catholic and I am Baptist, he had 4 kids (I would need to win over) and he farmed 90 miles away from where my Sylvan was located.
5 years later
We still had the same challenges but we had fallen deeply in love and felt confident God had brought us together. We would not change how we express our faith, we both worshiped the same Lord and Savior we just expressed it differently so we support each other in those expressions. I have won over the kids on most days. They know I love their dad and see our relationship as a good thing for him.
Now what to do about work? We felt so blessed to have each other but it was still complicated. So we took the plunge. We became man and wife……
Married and Living Apart
I kept my place and called it the Winter House. We worked on making his house our home and called it the Summer House. I wanted the individual homes to transition into ours, not his and mine, so we used these fun nick names.
I worked 4 days a week and stayed at the Winter House and then went home to the Summer House 3 days a week. We had Tuesday nights as our date night each week.
It worked. At least for a while.
We continued to seek what the Lord had for us and frankly I was excited to see how the Lord was going to solve this challenge. Little did I know that solving this situation would lead to one of the biggest transitions in my life? I will share that in another post.
I am so thankful the Lord gave me my farmer. Being his wife has blessed me beyond my imagination!
Do you see your spouse as the answer to prayer you prayed to our Lord for?
Everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would be. So there’s no use arguing with God about your destiny.