Review by Rayna: Find the Good

Finding the Good:

Unexpected Life Lessons from a Small-Town Obituary Writer

 

Find the Good was written by Heather Lende a long time obituary writer.  I really enjoyed this unusual book.

Re-framing situations and events is a skill taught in coaching.  Re-frame means to look at something in a new perspective.  I was impressed with Heather’s ability to re-frame the tragedies that brought her into these people’s lives at that moment.  Her 30,000 foot view of the person’s life brings such comfort and wisdom.

Find the Good is filled with wonderful stories and golden nuggets of truth.   Heather was asked to write a short essay describing one piece of wisdom to live by.  After spending time thinking about what would important to share she boiled it down to Find the Good.  From this simple concept Heather wrote this book.

After years of interviewing families during one of the most difficult days of their life she developed the knack for finding the good.  Though the end of someone’s life might be tragic for any one of many reasons, she has found the power of discovering how to find the good in their life and share it in a wonderful way.

Some of the chapters included in this book are Stop and Smell the Fish, Draw Lines in the Sand So You Can Move Them, and Listen to Your Mother.  Each chapter has a story of an obituary and ends with the conclusion that brings it down to the title she gave the chapter.

I can’t say I have ever read many obituaries in my life.  And I know I have never read ones written with so much care and desire to honor.  Heather’s unique view of life and death brings great perspective. I hope you enjoy this fun read as much as I did.

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3 Things I’m Learning About Me by Caring for My Dad

3 Things I’m Learning About Me by Caring for My Dad

 

13 years ago my dad called me while I was at work.  He said, “Rayna, I’m worried.  I think something is wrong with my memory.”  My response was, “Oh dad, don’t worry about it.  We don’t’ know what normal aging looks like.  I’m sure you’re fine.”

He lost his parents before the age of 60 and my mom at the age of 65 after 12 years of Alzheimer’s. I went on to tell him to go ahead and see a doctor just to be assured that things are fine.

Unfortunately, he was right, there was a problem.  The diagnosis was Mild Cognitive Impairment which later progressed to Alzheimer’s.

In some ways, it seems like that was a timeline ago and in other ways it feels like yesterday.  As his disease has progressed so has his need for 24-hour care.  3 and half years ago I became one of those who provides that care so that he can stay in his home as he asked.

It would be a lot easier if I lived close by but it is 220 miles one way to stay with him and care for him.  For the first couple of years, I made the drive weekly but thankfully I have been able to cut back to every other weekend now.

As I reflect on this experience of caring for my dad’s needs as he lives with this disease 3 things stood out that I have learned about me.

I am a control freak. 

This is not a new revelation but until this experience I think I was doing better at trying not to try to control everything. Now I battle with feeling that I have to control everything to keep him safe.

I can see where being a control freak has served me well in some ways.  Controlling many of the trivial things in dad’s environment makes life easier and safer for him.  It is amazing how something as small as putting his baseball cap on can make him ready to go out the door, no matter what time of day or night it is.  Knowing this means the cap is always stored out of site.

But my desire to control everything can also bring him and me unnecessary stress.  For example, I would love for Dad to go to bed at the same time every night in order to help him get up easier in the morning but how do you tell your 84-year-old person it is bed time? I do it gently but many times that doesn’t matter. Dad has been an adult a long time and he wants to go to bed when he wants to not when I think he should.

There are too many other things for me to list that I would like to control and can’t in this situation.  When I forget to bring all of them to God then I get STRESSED, sad and upset.  Talking to the Lord about how hard the situation is brings comfort unlike anything else.

I know God is building my trust in Him through this so I just have to keep focused on Him and reminding myself God does truly control it all.

I am deeply Loved.

Farmer and I had been married for 5 years when he looked at me and said you need to take care of your dad, even if that means you need to move here and live with him.  Seriously, it was his idea.

I am so thankful for how well he has loved me as I have spent 50% of the week away from him week in and week out for almost 3 years.  No, he is not perfect just like I’m not, but his love and support has meant the world to me.

I am also deeply loved by my Lord.  His grace to live this day in and day out has blessed me beyond words.  His desire for me to love my daddy well has been whispered to me when dad is being difficult.  His desire for me to share His light and love with the others who are caring for my dad too has been a mission He has laid on my heart.  His love and forgiveness when I have not fulfilled this calling well has been there waiting for the asking.

Loving is easy when life is easy, it is much harder when things are difficult but living knowing you are Loved is the Best!

I am only human and this hurt.

It hurts to see your strong, smart, compassionate and loving daddy fade in and out.  I wish that I could figure out a way to serve him without it hurting so much but I am only human and it is supposed to hurt.

As a teenager when I experienced losing my mom I closed off my heart for a while.  The pain of what was happening just seemed too much.  When I finally broke down and allowed the Lord to talk with me about it He said if you feel no pain then you feel no joy either.  Rayna, I have both pain and joy for you.  Open your heart, I will help you carry the pain and bask in the joy.

There are times I feel overwhelmed with the sorrow and pain of watching dad struggle in this confusion and frustration.  That is when I realize I have been holding it in and not taking it to my heavenly Father for Him to carry it with me.

With all my heart, I wish God would just take it away but that’s what He has seen fit to do and most often that is not how this fallen world works.  Jesus said in John 16:33“ I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world, you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” (Yep, that’s where Take Heart Coaching got its name.)

So, there they are, 3 things that I am learning from taking care of my daddy during this time in our lives.

Have you taken time to reflect on the lessons you have learned from your Dad?  This weekend might be an appropriate time to do that.  Life is not easy and your relationship with your dad might be a tough one but with prayer and reflection I’m sure there are some things you have learned from him. 


I would love to hear what you have realized you have learned from your dad.  Comment below!

3 Ways to Help Your Parents as They Age

“Honor your father and mother” (1)      Aging parents are a part of life, after all we all get older.  The difficult thing about getting older is that things seem to start wearing out.  All of us will reach a point where we can’t do what we used to, even to the point where we cannot take care of ourselves as we need to.

Watching a parent age can be very difficult but nothing is more difficult than the time in which you have to make the transition of stepping in to help your parent as they age.

I am in the that phase of life right now.  My dad is 83 and he has to have 24-hour care and companionship due to Alzheimer’s Disease.  Even if we were not dealing with this divesting disease, he would be reaching a time in life where he would need more help taking care of this home or even his health.

Here are 3 ways to gracefully handle this new phase of life:

  1. Realize you are not experiencing a role reversal.

Many people refer to this time in life as a role reversal, you become the parent and your parent becomes the child.  That is not true.  You parent is still your parent and always be.  They are just aging and are not able to do all the things they used to do for themselves.

As I have watched my dad’s disease progress I have been sure to keep our roles in the forefront of my mind.  He is my dad in need of my help not a child.  This has helped me stay present in the moment.  Instead of trying to reteach something or reacting to a mistake he makes over and over again in frustration. I try to just take a deep breath and remind myself he can’t help it.

It can be divesting to your parent to find themselves in a place where they can’t do all the things they used to do so easily.

How you treat them will make all the difference in the world.   No adult wants to be treated like a child! Though you might be doing things for your parent that you do for your children please remember this is the person who changed your diaper, taught you to walk and loved you through the teenage years.  They are still your parent!

  1. Always show honor to your parent.

Exodus 20:12 tells us to “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.”

There is no expiration date on this command.

Though this time of transition is difficult always keep in mind you are to treat them with honor.  There are so many changes happening in their life when you keep honor and respect as a part of your relationship it will make the changes easier to deal with.

As with all people, we need to treat our parents the same way we want to be treated.

As my family has faced the many changes brought about with age and disease I have always strived to keep the golden rule in mind.  Someday I will be the one needing help.  How would I want to be treated?

How would you feel if you were no longer allowed to drive and expected to give up your favorite activities?  Look for other options.  It might be time for your parent to stop driving but finding alternative transportation will be crucial to keeping them healthy.

My dad has always been very physically fit and he loves sports so when we reached the stage in his disease that the doctor said we needed to take away the keys I looked high and low to find someone to take over the part he could no longer do, drive.

He still loved participating in playing volleyball 3 times per week and work outing at the gym the other 3 days.  He was able to continue playing volleyball for 3 more years and he still lifts weights at the gym 3 times per week.  Needing more help in life meant he had to give up the keys but not the activities he loves so much.

Losing independence is difficult, treating your parent with honor will make it easier to accept.

  1. Appreciate them for who they are right now as well as who they have been to you your whole life.

We hear it over and over again but there is a lot of truth in the statement, stay in the moment.  Pooh has some wisdom to share in around this:

“What day is it?”
It’s today,” squeaked Piglet.
My favorite day,” said Pooh.”
― A.A. Milne

Staying in the moment with your parent can really help you emotionally deal with how much life has changed for you and your parent.  Make each day together a favorite day. 

We all love to have fun.  No matter our age laughter is good medicine for the soul.  Challenge yourself to find ways to have fun together.Dad ping pong 2016

As Dad became more limited in the things he could do we searched for other things he had enjoyed in the past.  I remembered playing ping pong with him when I was little so we gave it a try.  He loved it and was still really good.  Soon we replace the formal living room with a ping pong table.  It has been the source of tons of fun for us, as well as for the others caring for him.

All of us enjoy things we are good at much more than something that is a struggle.  Keep searching to find the things that still bring joy to your parent, it will create the opportunity for new good memories.

Appreciating them in the moment will help you cherish the time you spend with them now as you know they will not always be here.  Your time and support will mean more to your parent than you can imagine.

Watching our parents age is not easy no matter how you look at it.  I hope you have found my 3 tips to gracefully help your parents as they age helpful.

If you are facing challenges with this transition in your life, coaching might be just what you need to handle it better.  I would love to help.  Please contact me and we can set up a time to visit and see if coaching is a good fit for you.

If you have additional tips or ideas to deal with aging parents I would love to have you share them below.

I held my children in my womb but never in my arms….

My entire life like most little girls I have always wanted to be a mommy.  I never imagined I would be a mom of 2 precious children I never got to hold, cuddle, kiss or even have to discipline.

After my first marriage ended I was still hopeful I would remarry and have children.  No I would not be the young mom I thought I would be but I never dreamed I would not be a mom someday. Eccl 11:5

Then it happened.  Ron and I had been married over 2 years and I was finally pregnant.  If you have struggled with infertility you know what the monthly rollercoaster ride is like.  I didn’t even bother to take a test until I as a few weeks late.  We were so excited!  I was so sick.

It was an answered to many hours of prayers for sure.

Then it happened.  Just the Friday before our fist doctor’s appointment, I started spotting.  It wasn’t much so I was totally unprepared for the news that Monday.

As the nurse did the ultrasound she told us there were twins.  But the look on her face was not one of joy, rather concern.  Our first baby, Isaac, looked to have stop developing at a little less than 8 weeks.  The second baby, Lillian, was much bigger, at least 10 weeks old but there was no movement.  The doctor came in to confirm neither of them had made it.

I was in shock.  My heart was shattered! How could this be happening?  They were the answer to my prayers!

After losing the twins life went on and I did my best to trust God in this and wait for my chance to be a mom.  The longer time went by and we still were not pregnant the more my heart crumbled.  I had been through tough stuff before and always found God Good but this time I struggled.

How could God give me two babies and never let me hold them, play with them, or even celebrate their life?  It felt cruel not good!  I really struggled getting past it.

Thankfully I had a good friend who lead me to the lap of God and encouraged me to ask Him to understand.  Our father always wants to talk to us and bring healing, we often just don’t know how to ask for it.

That day my Lord helped me to see His eternal perspective.  He had answered my prayer.  I am a mom.  In my mind’s eye and in my heart He showed me my two beautiful children.  They were on his lap laughing and happy.  He reminded me that just because they did not grow up here on earth did not mean they didn’t exist; they just went on ahead.

They are waiting for me in heaven and we will spend eternity together.

That day I started to call them by name, Isaac & Lillian and I embraced motherhood.  Mother’s Day has always been a difficult holiday for me.  Between losing my mom to an Alzheimer’s diagnosis at 16 and the struggle of infertility and now miscarriage I would rather just sleep all day to be honest.

But now I have the vision of my mom, Isaac and Lillian all together in Heaven with my Lord and I praise my Great God for answered prayer.

Of course I would rather have had them live here with me first but I know that God is faithful, loving and good and I trust that eternity will be long enough!

Is there something that you have experienced that doesn’t make sense or goes against the character of God?  Go to Him.  Ask to understand, He will give you clarity around the situation if you ask with an open heart.  People often stay stuck in the whys of hurts when clarity can help you move forward.  Clarity gives us hope.

Being able to ask God what I needed to heal gave me clarity and brought healing I wasn’t even sure was possible.


When has God met you in a place that helped you find clarity?

Who is Celebrating You?

Birthdays are so much fun when we are kids, aren’t they?  Everyone makes such a big deal of it.

You get to have your friends over and you get to do anything that you want since it’s your party and your Big day.

Then we grow up.  GOD told them, “I’ve never quit loving you and never will. Expect love, love, and more love! Jeremiah 31-3 the Message

Life gets busy and as adults there might not be someone who thinks to throw you a Birthday party, and life definitely isn’t all about you like it was when you were little.

I just had my birthday this last week.  I was blessed to have a few small celebrations with family.  Mainly getting to pick where we went to eat and enjoying splurges from the menu like appetizers and dessert.  I was also blessed with beautiful cards and gifts!  I felt loved and appreciated which is what Birthdays have come to mean to me as an adult!

But I do think Facebook has made adult Birthdays more fun again!  It was amazing to receive birthday wished throughout the day.  Yes, it was just a normal day as far as responsibilities and the busyness of life but it was fun to hear the well wishes and blessings from friends and family online.

The feelings of love and appreciation got me thinking about how our Lord feels about ME every day.

We know from scripture that He created us in our mother’s womb when no one else was even aware of what He was up to. (Psalm 139:13) He made us just as He wanted us to be.

Giving us the special gifts and talents He needed us to have to impact this world the way He wants us to.

Jesus doesn’t send us greeting cards with just the right words of love and adoration or even give us wrapped gifts on our Birthdays but He loved us first, loves more than we can fathom, and showers us with gifts that we too often don’t even notice.

Take the time today to celebrate the love of our Lord.  Notice the many gifts He gives you, gifts wrapped in many unique ways. 

If you are having trouble seeing Him and His love, then just ask.  Our Father wants us to know and understand His love.  He will tell you how He feels about you….  Really Just ask!

God told them, “I’ve never quit loving you and never will.
Expect love, love, and more love!    Jeremiah 31:3 the Message

I would love for you to share what you hear about how you know you are loved and treasured by our Lord by commenting below.